Today I want to get drunk. And I will. Depression setting in. Maybe not really a depression as much as a need to change my life. I am sick of working the same job for 11 years. I hate my boss and my co-worker. I just can’t do it anymore. More and more I think of moving to Alaska. Small cabin, woods, different priorities. I want peace. I have visions of living in my cabin that I had 10 years ago. I want it.
When it comes to it, I want a different job. I don’t want to deal with technology anymore. In fact, I’d be so happy if I did not ever need to open my computer ever again. Wishful thinking… I am buying a lottery ticket once in a while in hopes that I win. Of course, I will never win but I can fantasize about what I would do if I did win. I would definitely move to Alaska. Maybe not to Fairbanks. Maybe Kenai where Laura is. Buy a house in the middle of nowhere. Start writing a book. Exist without pressure from the outside world. I would hike and run in nature every day. I would fish for salmon, pick berries, and be completely free. I regret a lot for not taking the job there when the opportunity came up. I regret it a lot. But I cannot live with regrets.
So I dream. I dream of a small cabin and a lake nearby and my old dog Boris and reading under a tree and letting him run loose.
I don’t know why now. I have lived here for 7 years… And now I don’t want to live here anymore… The wish is sudden and heartwrenching and almost unbearable.