As this year quickly moving to its end I cannot help but reflect on it. My mom passed away and it was a big one. It made me realize just how fragile life is and just how fast the time flies. Now that I am just three years away from turning fifty I have this awful fear of my own mortality in spite of having probably 20 or 30 years left of my life. But every day I move closer and closer towards that time. It is looming over me like a hummer and so far I have not been able to shake it away. I think it is the main reason I started running. To keep healthy and strong. Somehow in my mind, it is helping me to cope.
Starting to run was the most positive thing of this year. I got addicted and every day that I skip feels like forever. I wake up every morning looking towards it and it makes me happy. However, I sprained knee ligament recently and according to the Internet’s wisdom, it will take 6 weeks to heal. I cried as now I cannot imagine not being able to run for so long. I think I will substitute it with stationary biking and hope it will give me the same high as running does. I cried as it is the only time I have truly my own. No needy dog or equally needy faculty at work, just meditation and listening to my breath.
As far as the rest of my life goes it continues to be pretty boring and strongly habitual. I go to work and I walk or hike with my dog before and after. I do read a lot. Every day before bedtime. But I also watch a lot of stupid shows on Netflix at dinner. Somehow my brain cannot take the shows you have to pay attention to or think about. But habitual can be good, right? This routine helps me to stay away from depression and I get a lot of fresh air. If only I can quit smoking so the air is more enjoyable for my poor lungs. I guess this is where New Year’s resolution comes to play. Can I stick to it is another matter.
I did move to a townhouse and I love it. Especially the garage. It’s a two story and all the stairs give me additional steps that I can record on the Fitbit. It always feels like I have to be validated by this gadget and I feel compelled to update it every night.
I hate holidays. They stress me out. People are mean during the holidays as they are probably as stressed as I am. However, I am looking forward towards two weeks off work. More hiking and biking. Hopefully, it won’t be raining as much as it has recently.
I don’t celebrate Christmas. It became about presents and since I am broke I will refrain from usual coming to dinner at my friend’s house this Christmas. I cannot imagine sitting through her family opening up their expensive presents. Makes me feel utterly destitute. I am the “poor” relative and it does not feel good.
In conclusion, I am looking towards 2019 (cannot believe it reached this number) hoping it will bring more much-needed changes to my life.