As this year moves towards the end, I am going through a re-evaluation of my life and finding out who I am. I have lost sight of who I am. Personality crisis? I think so. I know that this is bonkers. I have lived for 53 years on this earth, and only now do I realize that essentially I have two selves in me: a 15-year-old and the 53-year-old. It is not like I lose time. Nothing serious like that. It is rather acting according to age. My 15-year-old resides in my chest (every time I act that way, I can feel it coming out of my chest). My 53-year-old comes from the head. I know it sounds crazy, but our bodies know what’s going on, and we carry whatever it is in different parts of our bodies. I am only realizing it now, partly because it did sound crazy when I was younger. Nevertheless.
So, I decided to get help. My therapist is lovely and very helpful. Even if she just lets me vent. She catches things that I would not necessarily catch myself, like saying “Sorry” all the time when I don’t need to. Who would have thought that a 25-year-old has more wisdom than my 53-year-old self? She gave me homework. It is to write positive things I said in our latest session. I thought about it. Reviewed a session in my mind, and the only positive thing that I can remember is making an amazing friend! Came out of nowhere. We just clicked when we walked together. So, I am trying to do positive things for her and my neighbors whom I love love. Yesterday I cooked borsch for them and invited everyone to my house. It was great! I generally have no idea how to behave in society. I have not done it in years, inviting people to my house. But I took a chance, and it made me feel good sharing the food and a conversation.
I got so lucky after I bought my condo. I had no idea about my neighbors then. And lo and behold: amazing people who take care of each other. It reminds me of Alaska, where people take care of each other, if only to help you out of the ditch. Everyone would stop to help and get you out of it. It’s like casting a fishing rod and reeling in a big catch, only with chains and in 40 below, and you can die from the cold.
I am going to stop now and practice another piece of homework my counselor gave me, which is to acknowledge the negative thoughts and recognise how negative they are. It’s the hardest thing to do for me, as I now realize I am mostly not a positive person with low self-esteem and daddy issues. I am being vulnerable right now. Take it or leave it.
