Life sucks right now. I cannot go outside willingly unless I go to a store to get groceries. And that hurts because my furry baby went everywhere with me. I cannot walk outside because I cannot walk where we walked. I opted for the treadmill (as I really have to lose tons of weight before I can run). But it sucks and boring. I am listening to a good podcast though so that makes it bearable. Palaties in between. The menopause weight is the hardest to lose and many say get the hormone replacement. But one of the side effects is breast cancer. My mom died from pancreatic cancer. My sister had breast cancer. I am doomed. No replacement hormone therapy for me. So I am stuck.
Still mourning for Opee. I kiss the box of his ashes at least three times a day just when I am on the verge of crying. It helps to have him home. I know I will get another doggo but as of right now I just want my Opee and no other doggos. When just before I put him to sleep he buried his head into me. That was the first time ever as he was always independent and not super affectional. I cried even more as I knew he would go to sleep. He could hardly stand and often was facing the wall which is a sign of neurological problems. The only thing I wish is that it would happen at home and he would be more comfortable. That’s on me. Yes, I am a shitty human being. I am actually crying writing this. I just want my baby…
There is no consolation when you lose your furry babies and truthfully even my mom’s death did not compare to this. Maybe it’s because I was not close to my mother like ever. They are with us every minute of the day. They love us as much as we love them. There is no escape from that.
I am going to end this post on this. My tears are streaming to my keyboard. Yes, that’s a waterfall. And here I thought I was strong.
