Yesterday my beloved Opee passed away. I knew it was coming soon just was not prepared for this soon… He was in so much pain and could hardly stand. The emergency vet said that he should just lie down still because of his pain and only go on very short walks (just to do his business) and that it would get worse and worse as nothing worked anymore. At this point, he could only walk yards (if that). Not even a mile. This is no life for him as he used to be very active walking 6 miles every day.
I took him on a morning walk and even though he was stumbling and shaky he still wanted to walk more. I had to rain him in and now regret it because I did not know then that it was his last walk. But at least we had that moment together even if it was for the last time. His deterioration was swift. Literally overnight.
I know it was the right decision to put him to sleep. And I am confident in this. I did not want him to suffer anymore. The first thought was to do everything possible to prolong his life but it is so selfish to keep your doggo in pain just because you don’t want to part from him. And it makes it a little bearable but still the pain is unbearable. I can’t eat because we always ate together. I can’t sleep because he is not there to jump in bed with me to cuddle.
This morning I went on one of his favorite trails and carried him in my heart. I talked to him as if he was there. Stopped in his favorite parts on a field where he used to chase mice.
It is so hard to be in an empty house where every one of his favorite places reminds me of him. I rearranged my furniture so that I didn’t lay in them and just weep for hours. Words cannot describe what I am going through. I know he is not in pain anymore and running around in the fields chasing mice in doggy heaven. I am not religious but in this case, I so wish there was a doggo heaven.
This weekend I am going to his absolutely favorite trail along the Pacific Ocean. I know I will cry when I hike because I would just picture him running on the beach chasing waves and birds. But maybe not as he will be in my heart.
I went through this with my first dog Boris and I have learned a lot about grief and knew what to expect. But still… I am keeping his leash so that I can remember all the beautiful paths we walked together and it will be a wonderful memory. Just cannot part with it. It is the only thing I am keeping as the rest just make me cry. I donated everything (his bed, leftover favorite treats, his water, and food bowls, and even his painkillers) to a local rescue. Some dogs will enjoy that I hope. Now, the only thing I wish for is his ashes. He needs to come home. He will stand with Boris and he will keep him company and I can be at peace because he will be there in spirit. And I need closure.
I cannot write more as I cannot cry anymore. I simply don’t have any more water in my body to make tears.
Rest in peace my furry beloved.
