bird pick

Today I decided that I need to quit vaping. My lungs hurt when I run because I am vaping a lot since I don’t have to go outside to do it. Oh, the convenience of the roof over your head. I know it is going to be hell. I am on my last cartridge and I am freaking out already, thinking that I should buy four more and quit after they are done. Of course, this process will repeat itself once I am done with those four. It’s got to happen sometime and all it takes is not buying new ones. I am afraid that this evening I’ll break down and drive to a gas station to get my fix. I should probably throw away the vaper itself but just don’t have the will power to do it yet (just in case). Breakdown happens. I have quit smoking before a couple of years ago but then my mom died and that was all she wrote. I was a non-smoker once, I can do it again (hopefully). It’s all on me.

What happened when I quit smoking before was a sheer determination of not getting cancer and a lot of running. These past months I have not been running. Not really, just 3 miles here and there. I don’t know why I got out of sync with it. I suppose it takes a while to get back on the schedule of running. It does not help that I cannot take a deep breath and that my knee is acting up. I have to concentrate a lot when I run now. Because of the knee, I have to change my gait. I also have to strain my lungs and bend forward trying to actually get the lung-full of air. So, no, running is not fun anymore. How do you get over that? A sheer determination needs to be in play again. It’s all on me.

Another incentive could be that I am gaining weight. I have always been afraid to gain weight ever since I used to be 220 Lbs a long time ago. I am also afraid to be decrepit by 50 because of my back issues — the consequence of being a hardcore volleyball player since I was 15. In Soviet Russia, they did not care about potential injuries. Instead, they pushed you as hard as possible. The pain was a sign of gain. The preventive exercises to combat that are actually going on well. Every other day I am doing a set of core strengthening exercises even if I don’t really want to. It’s all on me.

I have a tendency to get lazy. Lazy to brush my teeth, lazy to wash my face, lazy to take showers. Working from home only exacerbates that laziness, as you don’t have to be in public therefore no one can smell you. Six feet away from people on walks does not help the matter either. It’s all on me.

Speaking of six feet. No one abides by this anymore where I live especially now that all businesses have re-opened as if we have cured COVID. People walk and sit in cafes in herds close to the others. I need to start wearing my mask on walks now which is a pain in the butt because it either rains and makes the mask wet or too hot to be able to breathe in it. Bad for me and thus I should not complain. It’s all on me.

I think I am going to get more cartridges for vaping now. Screw the determination. And since it’s all on me I can do as I wish.


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