Another start of the week. Rainy days are here again. I started power walking as a transition to running. But I forgot that I am not a spring chicken anymore and don’t recover as I used to. This became apparent after I did 4 miles the other day and was out of commission the next day. This is all part of loosing weight 2026 campaign of mine. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by the end of 2026. Achievable? We will see. In addition, I am counting calories. The rule of thumb is that to lose 1 lb a week, you have to cut out 500 calories every day from what you burn. I also quit alcohol, so that might help too.
The insomnia continues. It’s not that I have anxiety or spinning thoughts. It’s just that I cannot fall asleep. So, I watch mindless shows in bed and try not to read, as that keeps me awake, as I get into books, and it is hard to put them down. I cannot win in this situation, and even sedatives don’t help. But it is what it is, and it gives me a lot of time to reflect on the day and figure out myself and my actions throughout it. I am flabbergasted as to how immature I act sometimes. It comes from nowhere, and it is a combination of bragging and revealing more than I ought to while my mind is racing, and I talk manically. Could it be that I am simply in a manic stage? Or am I just longing for human contact, as now I have so rarely working from home and walking Star in off-hours because of her reactivity? And where does my calm adult persona go at these times? It’s a mystery. I even went to a counselor, hoping to work it out. But the counselor was a toddler, and it seemed that I was helping her instead of her helping me, so I quit. I generally hate talk therapy as I am smarter (yes) than general psychologists, and it is always predictable what they are going to say, so to prevent myself from being bored, I fuck with them mentally. In 30 years since my mental affliction, I only met one who called me on my bullshit. Loved him! But he was a traveling one, so he had to leave after six months for a different city. It was in Alaska, where mental help does not exist, or so poor that you would be better off just digging holes.
My trip to Alaska is postponed. I wanted to visit in March, but spring is atrocious there. Dirty snow everywhere, and the Northern Lights are gone. The plan is now for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I want 40 below and tons of snow. And of course it will be great to see my friends.
I also ditched social media. I just post there occasionally, just for the upkeep, but no more reading about politics, and I am less angry now. You cannot control everything, especially what’s going on politically now. I prefer to stay ignorant, which was my rule until Trump came to power.
Anyhow, wish me sweet dreams for tonight. I need them.
