When you are down you are down. Nothing will make it better. I am used to it seeing how I have lived with depression for so long. Just have to buckle up and wait it out. That’s the hardest part.

It’s hard to write about depression issues as there is still a stigma attached to it. At least I think there is. Besides, being vocal about darkness somehow makes it even more real (as if it was not real enough).

When I am down I cannot run. Maybe it is just laziness, maybe it’s the rain, maybe it is actually comfortable in the dark cocoon which serves as a simple excuse not to or maybe it’s the fact that I cannot take a deep breath for a month now which makes running a very unenjoyable activity. The doctor does not know why.

When I am down I cannot do art. I lose anything to say. That silence of the mind is actually the very first indicator that depression will set in soon. Someone once told me that their friend starts hearing a certain song in their mind before depression hits. I’d rather do that than lose my voice. But alas, no luck there.

When I am down, walking my beastie becomes a daunting task and as I walk (especially in the rain) I start thinking about how ready I am to have a life without a dog. This is, of course, total bullshit because my beastie is saving me by getting me outside and always being there for me. Since I live alone that gives my life some purpose, something to do, and structure and routine. I need that because I tend to be a hermit and if it was not for him during the dark times I would stay in bed under the covers all day long.

When I am down I cannot read. I do not retain anything and forget sentence seconds after I have laid my eyes on it. This irritates more than anything even more than the inability to run or make art as it has always been a part of my routine to read before bed and I cannot fall asleep easily without it. Besides, books take you into imaginary worlds beyond your own life and troubles. They are the best kind of escapism there is.

So there it is. The life without enjoyment watching stupid shows on Netflix more for the sake of not thinking and just staring at something in the evenings, just passing time before bedtime when welcomed dreams await.

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